Jack: I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a fan of internet reviewers. I cut my teeth on the Angry Video Game Nerd, then moved on to harder stuff like the Nostalgia Critic and Linkara. Over time, I've watched (or at least attempted to watch) several reviewers of varying genres, styles, and ability levels. I don't watch the older ones as much as I used to, choosing to hover around a select group of reviewers whose shows and styles I genuinely enjoy. Reviewers like:
The Spoony One
Film Brain
The Cinema Snob
Todd in the Shadows
And one not-as-well-known reviewer that I'm highlighting today: the Rap Critic.
Rap Critic's production is minimalist: a single camera angle, straightforward commentary, less reliance on sight-gags and cutaways, and genuinely reviews each verse, pointing out both the good and the bad, of whatever he chooses to highlight whether it's a single song, a whole album, or comparing one song with another.
(Oh, and recently he's done a thing called "Rap Libs" where he replaces offensive words in popular rap songs with suggested words and phrases from his fans. It's really funny. Check it out.)
So, what does this have to do with music? I mean besides name-dropping a much more experienced and skilled reviewer than myself?
Well, some of the more skilled and insightful critics have a background in the medium they're critiquing. The late Roger Ebert was an accomplished screenwriter in his early days, penning the cult classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls among others. Doug Walker, creator of the Nostalgia Critic, is an experienced filmmaker in his own right, as is Brad Jones, who runs the Cinema Snob, has famously shot and directed several films independently, cementing his status as both purveyor and reviewer of exploitation cinema.
Because of that clever segue, it should come as no surprise that the Rap Critic is no exception, producing his own music under the stage name Masta Artisan.
Yes, "Masta". With an "a".
...and something about the inverse proportionality of linguistic ability and popular appeal.
Anyway, I, admittedly, have not heard a lot of his music, but I was curious about hearing him after seeing that he recently posted the video on his website for his song "Oh My God".
No, not that.
Sheesh, we have SOME standards around here. ...besides, that one's already been done.
So I decided to take a look and listen to it... And hoo boy, do we have a lot to talk about. So strap in, everyone, because we're taking a closer look at Masta Artisan's "Oh My God"
Okay, let me get the technical aspects out of the way first, otherwise it'll be lost in a haze of righteous anger. As a rapper, Masta Artisan is... okay. I've heard worse, and he isn't bad by any stretch. If I were to describe his tone and rapping style, I'd say that he sounds like Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park trying to channel LL Cool J.
Now, don't get me wrong: I don't mean that as an insult in any way. I happen to like both Mike Shinoda and LL. That's just how I interpret his vocal style.
Here's the thing, though: the reason why Mike Shioda's monotone flow works is because he doesn't over-enunciate, and the words pass right on through. That's not to say that Shioda lacks emotion. But the emotion is consistent, be it upbeat and playful like in Bleed It Out or sorrowful with a slow-bubbling rage as in Hands Held High. In either case, he's never over the top of trying to force any kind of emotion. It's consistent throughout the song, which makes for a smoother, more lyrical flow.
By contrast, LL Cool J in his prime (you know, before he became a TV star and publicly embarrassed himself by poorly tackling racism?) in his prime, he was on fire. You could feel the emotion in every word. It was like he was a pitcher hurling 98-MPH fastballs with every pitch, but he'd still strike you out... or knock you out.
Mama Said Knock You Out is, was, and will probably always be a lyrical masterpiece. LL's unmistakable charisma and driving style was a perfect fit with this otherwise stereotypical "I'm Awesome and You're A Chump" dis rap. Even though it felt like he was stressing every syllable in the song, it still had a flow that is beyond compare.
Kind of a contrast in styles, yes? The fact that Masta Artisan somehow tries to combine the two... well, at least in this song, this style is pretty much hit and miss, with the hits coming during the verses, and the misses coming solidly during the hook.
Now, I'm not saying that the hook is bad; not by a longshot. In fact, the lead-in to the hook is
extremely inventive, with Artisan yelling the song's title punctuated by the traditional "shocking revelation" stock sound effect. You know, the
Unfortunately, that's where the hook starts to lose me. His monotone voice and punctuated enunciation don't work very well in this chorus. I mean, it's just him saying "I can't believe it" with only slight differences of vocalization. It's a little grating and is only just barely cancelled out by the innovative lead-in.
The verses, however, are where his vocalization seems to work better. Once he gets beyond repeating the same phrase overand over again, and gets to the meat of the song, he starts to flow a little more smoothly. To me, though, it still feelslike his transmission is slipping a gear, but that's just my take on this song. I've heard better, and I've heard worse.
It's passable. It works well enough.
As for the rhymes and wordplay, it's above average, and in some places rather clever, like rhyming "happenin'" with "abdomen", and "track record" with "fact checker". And then there are the less than clever parts, like, for example, the words "whiny brat" should never be used in a serious rap song.
But on balance, it's good. I mean, he's no Eminem, but, then, for a time, neither was Eminem.
"Pink Alf shirt"? Really?
Anyway, now we come to the important part: the actual subject matter of the song. And... (barely restraining rage, clenches his fists, then exhales) Well, let me build it up for you:
The song starts out as your basic heartbreak song. The pain of unrequited love and the self-doubt and self-flaggelation that goes along with it. Trust me: I know those feels. It just feels like the same routine every time: you open yourself up to someone, it doesn't work out, and it sucks. It happens. A lot. And it sucks every single time.
And for the most part, "Oh My God" tiptoes the line between anger, sadness, and self-doubt very well. It balances the rage and frustration of being shot down with the self-pity of having to deal with letdown over and over again. It never goes too far in one direction or another. It's solid, it tells a good story, and it works...
...and then you get to the third verse:
(Plays the video)
I’m so SICK of going through this(Cut to Jack does a take and blinks, staring into the camera in surprise, then back to the video)
No matter what fate chooses, I’m the one who loses
It’s the same old music
See what you did was confuse a nice guy for a eunuch
And you KNOW who this goes out to(Cut back to Jack, lowering his sunglasses, shock evident in his eyes, his jaw slack, then back)
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you
Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?
Is a guy being a complete jerk a plus?
‘Cause I heard the fuss, and you should know that it’s difficult(Cut to Jack, shaking his head, mouthing the word "No!" then back to the video)
To change a man who’s attraction to you is only physical
And it’s pitiful, to give something special to someone worthless
Why do I meet so many girls who make this their purpose?
When will you see that this path will always lead to rejection?(Cut back to Jack, eyes pleading, hands out to the sides, mothing "Why?!", then back to the video)
But I guess I could ask myself the same question
I mean, we’re both on a similar mission
Chasing after something that has never come to fruition
And heartbreak is heartbreak, I get it, but here’s what’s different(Cut back to Jack, locked in a stunned silence, then...)
She had someone nice to fall back on, I didn’t
And that’s how it always ends
Because I’m JUST a “really good friend”…
(Cutaway: Daria: "At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.")
All right. Time to get serious. Now, Rap Critic, you know I love you. I appreciate and respect your insights into the music you choose to pick apart on your show, especially the way you call out rappers for the misogynistic lyrics and praise those who try to reverse that trend.
...at least I did until I heard this! I mean, you wrote, recorded, and produced this... this clusterfuck... how am I supposed to take you seriously when you call out other rappers for mistreating or bad-mouthing women when you just recorded and released a video for a song that's AN ANTHEM TO THE GODDAMN FRIENDZONE!?!
You know what? No! I'm not going to let this go! This is a part of the anti-woman, anti-autonomy, male entitlement culture that just needs to go the fuck away!
Now, for those of you who don't know, the "friendzone" is a mythical place where little boys imagine themselves being imprisoned when a girl that they like doesn't want to have any kind of intimate and/or sexual relationship with them. You know, because they're "just a 'really good friend'"...
Here's a little tip for you all: if you badmouth a woman who was ostensibly your friend because she doesn't feel the same way toward you as you feel toward her, you're a) not her friend, and 2) not a "nice guy". For bonus points, if you badmouth the entire female gender - or at least those you perceive to be 'friendzoners' - as a result of your rejection, you are an asshole.
And that's what's happening here! It takes what was up to that point a heart-felt and sincere song about heartbreak and self-doubt and turns it into an indictment of a woman's right to not feel the way that some men want them to!
Don't believe me? Well, let's pick apart that last verse piece by piece:
It’s the same old musicNo. She didn't "confuse a nice guy for a eunuch". She just doesn't want your advances.
See what you did was confuse a nice guy for a eunuch
And you KNOW who this goes out toDude, that's what being a friend is all about. You're SUPPOSED to care for them. They know that. They notice. (stresses each word)
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you
Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?*sigh* This old canard? The "women only want jerks" chestnut? Listen, guys: If a woman wants to date someone you think is a jerk - and let me get in really close because this is really important - (The camera zooms in at Jack's beckoning, then he puts his hand to his mouth and, in a stage whisper)
Is a guy being a complete jerk a plus?
Really! If she's making a mistake, it's hers and hers alone to make. And besides, who are you to be an arbiter as to whether a relationship is a mistake or not? You're not exactly impartial in this case. Plus, you're not exactly the best judge of relationships yourself.
I mean, after all, you want her to date you.
‘Cause I heard the fuss, and you should know that it’s difficultI feel you, man. I mean, I've been trying my damndest on you this whole song and it doesn't seem to make any difference.
To change a man who’s attraction to you is only physical
And it’s pitiful, to give something special to someone worthlessDude. It's bad enough that you're being misogynistic and hateful, but now you're being unoriginal! This same argument has been made throughout the entire existence of the term "friendzone". I mean, hell, you even made it yourself a few seconds ago!
Why do I meet so many girls who make this their purpose?
Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?
And you KNOW who this goes out toCome on, man! Try harder!
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you
When will you see that this path will always lead to rejection?Um, no. Nothing about the two of you is similar. At all.
But I guess I could ask myself the same question
I mean, we’re both on a similar mission
Chasing after something that has never come to fruition
She is trying to have a relationship with someone that, while you may not approve of them, they seem to find something in.
You, on the other hand, are trying to take a perfectly good friendship and turn it into sexytimes. Whether she wants it or not.
And heartbreak is heartbreak, I get it, but here’s what’s differentUm, yes, you actually did have someone nice to fall back on. Someone who has been a really good friend to you up to this point... (screaming)HER, YOU IDIOT!!!
She had someone nice to fall back on, I didn’t
And that’s how it always ends
Because I’m JUST a “really good friend”…
Here's the thing: friendship is a form of love. If she is as good a friend to you as you've ostensibly been to her, she will be there to fall back on. She'll help you mend your broken heart, even if she's the one who "broke" it.
Because that's what friends do.
Okay, guys: I get it. I know that fessing up to your best girl friend that you have feelings for her that are more than "just friend" feelings is a difficult thing. It's a tremendous leap of faith. And if she doesn't share those feelings, that totally sucks. I get that. I've been there.
But that doesn't mean you have to - or even should - stop being her friend. She'll let you down easy. She'll continue to support you and care for you. Because, again,
And, by that token, if the so-called "jerk" that she's seeing breaks her heart, she's going to need her friend to help bring her down easy. She'll need you to talk, to reassure, to be there for her. Even if that doesn't mean she wants to start dating you.
Especially if it means that.
Because, and I canNOT stress this enough: if you really are her friend before you confess her feelings for her, you'll continue to be her friend after. Even if she does decide to date you, you are and should still be her friend FIRST!
And if you suddenly stop being her friend after she turns you down, or if you, oh, I don't know, write a rap song about how women only want jerks and nice guys get stomped on, you never really were her friend.
And you're definitly not a nice guy.
(cut back the to video)
Now, I could be wrong. Maybe "Masta Artisan" is a character, like Slim Shady is to Eminem, and the things he says in his songs aren't really things the author actually says, does, or believes, but even if that's true (and please let me know if it is), this song is wrong-headed in every conceivable way. It lends credence to an Idea that is best left as a punchline, and gives Men's Rights Activist fedora-jockeys everywhere (no offense, Linkara) something to rally around and use as a theme song for their cause. None of these things should be happening. At all.
I've been as charitable as I can be toward this song, maybe more than I should have been, but in the end, I can't recommend this song. The world does not, has never, and never will need an MRA anthem.
This song can go friendzone itself.
Until next time, friends,
(c) 2013 Powertrip Productions. All material used here is protected under Fair Use and are (c) their original creators. No challenge to these copyrights is intended or should be implied.
