"Word Crimes" a C2C Special Single review

"Weird Al" Yankovic is more than just a musician to me.

He's more than a comedian to me. He's more than a pop culture satirist to me. He's more than a pop culture icon to me.

To me, he's an inspiration.

I can remember feeling that way since I was 8. Centuries ago! I've always admired - even if I didn't understand what I was admiring until much later - his ability to skewer the popular, the topical, and in some cases, the powerful. He is a cornerstone - if not the cornerstone - of the development of both my musical tastes and my sense of humor. More than that, his squeaky-clean nature combined with his give-no-fucks attitude formed a basis for my own.

Weird Al can do no wrong.

...okay, that's not true. Like, at all.

And anyone who thinks that Al can do no wrong needs to go find a copy of "Polka Party" and put it on straight play. You won't last three songs, if you can even get past one.

I've been threatening for as long as I've been threatening to do this music review thing to do a full Cover 2 Cover review of  "Polka Party", and I still intend to someday, because there are reasons why that album flopped, mostly having to do with both the choices of songs and styles to parody and the choices of topics to write those parodies on.

But that was 1986. It's 2014. Almost 30 years and nine albums - ranging from good to amazing - have passed since then. And it seems like that the stigma of Polka Party was left behind for good.

And up to this point, he had succeeded. "Now That's What I Call Polka!" is a masterpiece, far outshining his previous polka medleys. "Handy" was... okay. Not spectacular, but not awful either. Then came "Tacky", which is not only an awesome parody, but a well-written comedy song in its own right, and uses the source material in a very tight, agile fashion. From what's been revealed thus far from Mandatory Fun, it seems like that maybe Al, for at least one album, really CAN do no wrong.

Enter Word Crimes.

Because this is a parody, I'm going to skip most of the judgment, as they pertain to the musicianship of the song. Long review short, just about the only good thing about Blurred Lines was its music. The instrumental, the beat, the pace are all great. It has a quick start, balanced out by the utter blasphemy that is Repeat and Fade.

Start/Finish: C, Instrumentation: A, Hook: N/A (no hook to speak of)

So let's go right to the lyrics.

I was worried about this when I found Al was going to do a parody of one of the worst-reputed songs in recent history, if not all of music history. When taking on a song as poorly-received as Blurred Lines, it can go either very, very right or very, very wrong. There's no middle ground.

No blurred lines.

And, really, the choice of subject matter plays a huge role in what tips the scale from good to bad. So, what's the subject of Word Crimes?

Okay, now here's the deal... I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
Literacy's your mission

...literary elitism.

...

You know, I expected the "Old man yells at cloud" stuff to come out of "First World Problems", not this. But, yeah, apparently chatspeak, hashtags, emojis, and even the Oxford Comma (see what I did there?) are creating enough speech static that something has to be said about it.

And even though the song says he going to "educate" you, the "education" offered in the song is the equivalent of verbally berating a puppy for piddling on the carpet while beating it with a rolled-up newspaper.

As much as I hate using the term, given all its connotations and history, I can't avoid it, especially considering his regalia on the album cover:

Weird Al is literally being a grammar Nazi.

Literally.

And the things he's harping on are things that have been harped on endlessly by everyone and their creepy uncle.

Say you got an "it"
Followed by apostrophe
"s" Now what does that mean?
YOU WOULD NOT USE "IT'S" IN THIS CASE
As a possessive
It's a contraction

Sorry, but Strong Bad did it better

OOOooohhhh, if you want it to be possessive
It's just I-T-S
But if it's supposed to be a contraction
Then it's I-T-apostrophe-S
...Scalawag

And how about this one?

You should know when
It's "less" or "fewer"
Like people who were
Never raised in a sewer

Yeah, then he put up this gif to prove his point:

Hmm.... " X items or less...". Why does that sound familiar? Surely I'm not recalling something hypocritical and ironic...

"Midnight Star"

I was waiting in the express lane with my
Twelve items or less
At the checkout counter at my local grocery store

And, yes, I did use "ironic" correctly. Kiss my apostrophe.

As the song progresses, his disdain for grammar deviants escalates to full-blown rage

And, I thought you'd gotten it through your skull
Whats figurative and what's literal
Oh, but, just now, you said
You "literally couldn't get out of bed"
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

By his own logic, he just literally threatened someone with violence over his use of a word. A word that even linguists have acknowledged has changed in definition so that it doesn't literally have to mean "literally".

See, that's the issue with the tone of these lyrics. Language is mutable. Not everyone will use language the same way as another person in the same time period, and language evolves over time, meaning that the meaning of some words, and even things like syntax or even parts of speech of words will change.

Oh , and while we're talking about that last line, "your stupid head"?!

The rough part about becoming keenly aware of social issues is that you start to see this casual, almost imperceptible tossing aside of entire groups of people built into the language, and this is especially true in the primal common tongue of music. 

And the most stealthy of this "othering" is that of the disabled. As if the elitism of trying to squeeze everyone into a single mold of language and education isn't bad enough, it's worse when it's peppered with words that imply that people who aren't as developed as the so-called "norm" are somehow less than others that are.

And this song is littered with this kind of language. Literally.

Don't be a moron

You dumb mouthbreather

'Cause you write like a spastic

To his credit, he did apologize for that last one. Doesn't get him off the hook for all the others, though. Or the implied eugenics...

Get out of the gene pool
Try your best not to drool

Granted, it is difficult to write a song about tryong to police language without some ableism seeping through... which is why you shouldn't do it in the first place!!!

But, really, in the grand scheme of things, none of this is that big of a deal.

The condescension, the grammar hammering, even the casual ableism isn't enough to make me hate this song.  Sure, it'll make me not want to listen to it, change the station or hit "next" on my media player, but that alone doesn't make this song rise to the level of hate I have for it.

In point of fact, Al's entire discography is littered with all kinds of insults based on personal features (Fat comes to mind right away) and casual ableism. Hell, another song off of Fun that I really like - Lame Claim to Fame - has an ableist word right in the title (and, thus, the chorus). 

Hell, if I hated everything that was problematic, even in a casual sense, I'd have to forego listening to 99% of my music library. Liking problematic things isn't a problem so long as you know they ARE problematic, don't make excuses for them, and let the artists know that they can do better.

No, a song has to go out of its way to inspire this much bile in me. 

I love music. I love comedy. I'm very forgiving of mistakes from artists and people and songs I love.  So for a song to inspire this much anger in me, it has to be something completely unforgivable and beyond the pale.

A song has to EARN my hate.

And this song does that in just one line:

Well, you should hire
A cunning linguist

...

Play that again, please.

Well, you should hire
A cunning linguist

...

...

How can one line piss me off so much?  Well, there are scores of reasons swirling around my head, but, truth be told, it can be narrowed down to three things:

1) It's a sex joke in a Weird Al song.

Seriously, the guy's image has been so disgustingly squeaky-clean for the whole of his career, that something like this is as though Al showed up in the recording studio with a pointy goatee and a shiny gold shirt with a plunging neckline.

On his sendup of charity singles "Don't Download This Song", he threw a curveball right at the end, hiding in the repeat and fade, yelling, "JUST BUY IT! YOU CHEAP BASTARD!"  That was out of character, but it was okay, because it was cleverly masked.

Then on his last album, Al laid a real turd.

Literally.

I give you my word
You're so beautiful
You make a glorious sunset
Look like a big, fat turd, yeah!

Yea, that was questionable, but it passed the smell test because the whole song was about a borderline sociopath trying to express his love, so that choice of word kind of fit.

But this? This is like going online and seeing your third-grade teacher doing porn. It's the kind of thing that poisons your memories and shakes you to the very foundations.

Now, let me be clear: I don't have a problem with the joke per se. I personally have made this joke many times (Well, part of me has...), and if this had been any other comedy artist, I would be totally down with it. Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, The Lonely Island, ... T-Pain, any of them. 

Not Al, not like this, and not in such a casual-throw away fashion. 

Which brings me to the second reason why I hate this particular Word Crime: 

2) It doesn't fit in the context of the song.

Sure, the words that form the pun fit into the song fine enough, but the punchline... It's like the song literally goes "people can't word right, blah, blah, you're dumb, here's how to word, oh, by the way, sex joke". 

 It's like if someone was writing a song for Schoolhouse Rock, then, in the middle of it all,threw in a dick joke. It's the kind of thing takes you completely out of the song as your brain catches on it trying to parse it in relation to everything else. Suddenly,the entire song ceases to be educational or entertaining in the parody sense, and becomes all about the dick joke.

And since the point of making a song - epsecially a parody of a well-known song - is to get people to listen to the new lyrics, it's counterprodctive at best, self-destructive at worst.

Which brings me to the third and, arguably, biggest reason why this one line destroys the entire song for me.

It's not just that it's a sex joke in a song about literacy.

It's not that just it's a sex joke in a Weird Al song.

It's the fact that it's a sex joke... IN A PARODY OF FUCKING BLURRED LINES!!!

Have we all forgotten the actual subject matter of the original song? "You know you want it?" "You're an animal, baby, it's in your nature!" It's about a douchebag trying to convince a girl that she wants to have sex with him. The last thing you want to do when writing a parody of such an infamous song with such infamous subject matter is to include a line that hearkens back to that subject matter!

Hell, it would make more sense if this joke were actually in Blurred Lines. That's a problem. A big problem.

So to summarize: questionable lyrics about a questionable subject with a questionable joke thrown in for bad measure. To issue a grade for these lyrics, I once again call on the true master of wordplay, teacher of children and little tiniest babies everywhere, Strong Bad:

Not good enough. F--

It's depressing that in an album of almost comedic and musical perfection, there's this disease lurking beneath the surface. The "song that shall not be named" that parodies that other "song that shall not be named". And it's seriously making me question whether or not I want to go out and buy the whole album.

One song.

No, not even that. One line in one song. Three words!

It's like taking the worst of Polka Party, distilling it to its worst essence, and cramming it into three words. An ill-advised line in an ill-advised parody of an ill-advised song by an otherwise on-point artist and comedian.

Word Crimes. After hearing it, I can only assume that it's referencing itself.

Power off.

Cover 2 Cover special review: "Oh My God" by Masta Artisan

(Cut to the Cover 2 Cover show title sequence, showing credits and scenes from previous, future, and imagined episodes of the show, played over Monster Magnet's "Powertrip") Once the title sequence is finished, the camera fades in on Jack)

Jack: I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a fan of internet reviewers. I cut my teeth on the Angry Video Game Nerd, then moved on to harder stuff like the Nostalgia Critic and Linkara. Over time, I've watched (or at least attempted to watch) several reviewers of varying genres, styles, and ability levels. I don't watch the older ones as much as I used to, choosing to hover around a select group of reviewers whose shows and styles I genuinely enjoy. Reviewers like:

The Spoony One
Film Brain
The Cinema Snob
Todd in the Shadows
And one not-as-well-known reviewer that I'm highlighting today: the Rap Critic.

Rap Critic's production is minimalist: a single camera angle, straightforward commentary, less reliance on sight-gags and cutaways, and genuinely reviews each verse, pointing out both the good and the bad, of whatever he chooses to highlight whether it's a single song, a whole album, or comparing one song with another.

(Oh, and recently he's done a thing called "Rap Libs" where he replaces offensive words in popular rap songs with suggested words and phrases from his fans. It's really funny. Check it out.)

So, what does this have to do with music? I mean besides name-dropping a much more experienced and skilled reviewer than myself?

Well, some of the more skilled and insightful critics have a background in the medium they're critiquing. The late Roger Ebert was an accomplished screenwriter in his early days, penning the cult classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls among others. Doug Walker, creator of the Nostalgia Critic, is an experienced filmmaker in his own right, as is Brad Jones, who runs the Cinema Snob, has famously shot and directed several films independently, cementing his status as both purveyor and reviewer of exploitation cinema.

Because of that clever segue, it should come as no surprise that the Rap Critic is no exception, producing his own music under the stage name Masta Artisan.

Yes, "Masta". With an "a".

...and something about the inverse proportionality of linguistic ability and popular appeal.

Anyway, I, admittedly, have not heard a lot of his music, but I was curious about hearing him after seeing that he recently posted the video on his website for his song "Oh My God".

No, not that.

Sheesh, we have SOME standards around here. ...besides, that one's already been done.

So I decided to take a look and listen to it... And hoo boy, do we have a lot to talk about. So strap in, everyone, because we're taking a closer look at Masta Artisan's "Oh My God"

Okay, let me get the technical aspects out of the way first, otherwise it'll be lost in a haze of righteous anger.  As a rapper, Masta Artisan is... okay. I've heard worse, and he isn't bad by any stretch. If I were to describe his tone and rapping style, I'd say that he sounds like Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park trying to channel LL Cool J.

Now, don't get me wrong: I don't mean that as an insult in any way. I happen to like both Mike Shinoda and LL. That's just how I interpret his vocal style.

Here's the thing, though: the reason why Mike Shioda's monotone flow works is because he doesn't over-enunciate, and the words pass right on through. That's not to say that Shioda lacks emotion. But the emotion is consistent, be it upbeat and playful like in Bleed It Out or sorrowful with a slow-bubbling rage as in Hands Held High. In either case, he's never over the top of trying to force any kind of emotion. It's consistent throughout the song, which makes for a smoother, more lyrical flow.

By contrast, LL Cool J in his prime (you know, before he became a TV star and publicly embarrassed himself by poorly tackling racism?) in his prime, he was on fire. You could feel the emotion in every word. It was like he was a pitcher hurling 98-MPH fastballs with every pitch, but he'd still strike you out... or knock you out.

Mama Said Knock You Out is, was, and will probably always be a lyrical masterpiece. LL's unmistakable charisma and driving style was a perfect fit with this otherwise stereotypical "I'm Awesome and You're A Chump" dis rap. Even though it felt like he was stressing every syllable in the song, it still had a flow that is beyond compare.

Kind of a contrast in styles, yes? The fact that Masta Artisan somehow tries to combine the two... well, at least in this song, this style is pretty much hit and miss, with the hits coming during the verses, and the misses coming solidly during the hook.

Now, I'm not saying that the hook is bad; not by a longshot. In fact, the lead-in to the hook is
extremely inventive, with Artisan yelling the song's title punctuated by the traditional "shocking revelation" stock sound effect.  You know, the "DUN dun DUUUUUUUN!" thing? 

Yeah, that. It grabs your attention and makes you look forward to the rest of the hook.

Unfortunately, that's where the hook starts to lose me. His monotone voice and punctuated enunciation don't work very well in this chorus. I mean, it's just him saying "I can't believe it" with only slight differences of vocalization. It's a little grating and is only just barely cancelled out by the innovative lead-in.

The verses, however, are where his vocalization seems to work better. Once he gets beyond repeating the same phrase overand over again, and gets to the meat of the song, he starts to flow a little more smoothly. To me, though, it still feelslike his transmission is slipping a gear, but that's just my take on this song. I've heard better, and I've heard worse.

It's passable. It works well enough.

As for the rhymes and wordplay, it's above average, and in some places rather clever, like rhyming "happenin'" with "abdomen", and "track record" with "fact checker".  And then there are the less than clever parts, like, for example, the words "whiny brat" should never be used in a serious rap song.

But on balance, it's good. I mean, he's no Eminem, but, then, for a time, neither was Eminem.

"Pink Alf shirt"? Really?

Anyway, now we come to the important part: the actual subject matter of the song. And... (barely restraining rage, clenches his fists, then exhales) Well, let me build it up for you:

The song starts out as your basic heartbreak song. The pain of unrequited love and the self-doubt and self-flaggelation that goes along with it. Trust me: I know those feels.  It just feels like the same routine every time: you open yourself up to someone, it doesn't work out, and it sucks. It happens. A lot. And it sucks every single time.

And for the most part, "Oh My God" tiptoes the line between anger, sadness, and self-doubt very well. It balances the rage and frustration of being shot down with the self-pity of having to deal with letdown over and over again. It never goes too far in one direction or another. It's solid, it tells a good story, and it works...

...and then you get to the third verse:

(Plays the video)

I’m so SICK of going through this
No matter what fate chooses, I’m the one who loses
It’s the same old music
See what you did was confuse a nice guy for a eunuch

 (Cut to Jack does a take and blinks, staring into the camera in surprise, then back to the video)

And you KNOW who this goes out to
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you
Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?
Is a guy being a complete jerk a plus?

(Cut back to Jack, lowering his sunglasses, shock evident in his eyes, his jaw slack, then back)

‘Cause I heard the fuss, and you should know that it’s difficult
To change a man who’s attraction to you is only physical
And it’s pitiful, to give something special to someone worthless
Why do I meet so many girls who make this their purpose?

(Cut to Jack, shaking his head, mouthing the word "No!" then back to the video)

When will you see that this path will always lead to rejection?
But I guess I could ask myself the same question
I mean, we’re both on a similar mission
Chasing after something that has never come to fruition

(Cut back to Jack, eyes pleading, hands out to the sides, mothing "Why?!", then back to the video)

And heartbreak is heartbreak, I get it, but here’s what’s different
She had someone nice to fall back on, I didn’t
And that’s how it always ends
Because I’m JUST a “really good friend”…

(Cut back to Jack, locked in a stunned silence, then...)

(Cutaway: Daria: "At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.")

All right. Time to get serious. Now, Rap Critic, you know I love you. I appreciate and respect your insights into the music you choose to pick apart on your show, especially the way you call out rappers for the misogynistic lyrics and praise those who try to reverse that trend.

...at least I did until I heard this! I mean, you wrote, recorded, and produced this... this clusterfuck... how am I supposed to take you seriously when you call out other rappers for mistreating or bad-mouthing women when you just recorded and released a video for a song that's AN ANTHEM TO THE GODDAMN FRIENDZONE!?!

You know what? No! I'm not going to let this go! This is a part of the anti-woman, anti-autonomy, male entitlement culture that just needs to go the fuck away!

Now, for those of you who don't know, the "friendzone" is a mythical place where little boys imagine themselves being imprisoned when a girl that they like doesn't want to have any kind of intimate and/or sexual relationship with them. You know, because they're "just a 'really good friend'"...

Here's a little tip for you all: if you badmouth a woman who was ostensibly your friend because she doesn't feel the same way toward you as you feel toward her, you're a) not her friend, and 2) not a "nice guy".  For bonus points, if you badmouth the entire female gender - or at least those you perceive to be 'friendzoners' - as a result of your rejection, you are an asshole.

And that's what's happening here! It takes what was up to that point a heart-felt and sincere song about heartbreak and self-doubt and turns it into an indictment of a woman's right to not feel the way that some men want them to!

Don't believe me? Well, let's pick apart that last verse piece by piece:

It’s the same old music
See what you did was confuse a nice guy for a eunuch

No. She didn't "confuse a nice guy for a eunuch". She just doesn't want your advances.

And you KNOW who this goes out to
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you

Dude, that's what being a friend is all about. You're SUPPOSED to care for them. They know that. They notice. (stresses each word)They just don't want to fuck you.

Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?
Is a guy being a complete jerk a plus?

*sigh* This old canard? The "women only want jerks" chestnut? Listen, guys: If a woman wants to date someone you think is a jerk - and let me get in really close because this is really important - (The camera zooms in at Jack's beckoning, then he puts his hand to his mouth and, in a stage whisper) THAT'S NOT YOUR CALL!

Really! If she's making a mistake, it's hers and hers alone to make. And besides, who are you to be an arbiter as to whether a relationship is a mistake or not? You're not exactly impartial in this case.  Plus, you're not exactly the best judge of relationships yourself.

I mean, after all, you want her to date you.

‘Cause I heard the fuss, and you should know that it’s difficult
To change a man who’s attraction to you is only physical

I feel you, man. I mean, I've been trying my damndest on you this whole song and it doesn't seem to make any difference.

And it’s pitiful, to give something special to someone worthless
Why do I meet so many girls who make this their purpose?

Dude. It's bad enough that you're being misogynistic and hateful, but now you're being unoriginal! This same argument has been made throughout the entire existence of the term "friendzone". I mean, hell, you even made it yourself a few seconds ago!

Why do you give the best of yourselves to the worst of us?

And you KNOW who this goes out to
The ones who can’t seem to notice when someone cares about you

Come on, man! Try harder!

When will you see that this path will always lead to rejection?
But I guess I could ask myself the same question
I mean, we’re both on a similar mission
Chasing after something that has never come to fruition

Um, no. Nothing about the two of you is similar. At all.

She is trying to have a relationship with someone that, while you may not approve of them, they seem to find something in.

You, on the other hand, are trying to take a perfectly good friendship and turn it into sexytimes. Whether she wants it or not.

And heartbreak is heartbreak, I get it, but here’s what’s different
She had someone nice to fall back on, I didn’t
And that’s how it always ends
Because I’m JUST a “really good friend”…

Um, yes, you actually did have someone nice to fall back on. Someone who has been a really good friend to you up to this point... (screaming)HER, YOU IDIOT!!!

Here's the thing: friendship is a form of love. If she is as good a friend to you as you've ostensibly been to her, she will be there to fall back on. She'll help you mend your broken heart, even if she's the one who "broke" it.

Because that's what friends do.

Okay, guys: I get it. I know that fessing up to your best girl friend that you have feelings for her that are more than "just friend" feelings is a difficult thing. It's a tremendous leap of faith. And if she doesn't share those feelings, that totally sucks. I get that. I've been there.

But that doesn't mean you have to - or even should - stop being her friend. She'll let you down easy. She'll continue to support you and care for you. Because, again, that's what friends do.

And, by that token, if the so-called "jerk" that she's seeing breaks her heart, she's going to need her friend to help bring her down easy. She'll need you to talk, to reassure, to be there for her. Even if that doesn't mean she wants to start dating you.

Especially if it means that.

Because, and I canNOT stress this enough: if you really are her friend before you confess her feelings for her, you'll continue to be her friend after. Even if she does decide to date you, you are and should still be her friend FIRST!

And if you suddenly stop being her friend after she turns you down, or if you, oh, I don't know, write a rap song about how women only want jerks and nice guys get stomped on, you never really were her friend.

And you're definitly not a nice guy.

(cut back the to video)

Now, I could be wrong.  Maybe "Masta Artisan" is a character, like Slim Shady is to Eminem, and the things he says in his songs aren't really things the author actually says, does, or believes, but even if that's true (and please let me know if it is), this song is wrong-headed in every conceivable way. It lends credence to an Idea that is best left as a punchline, and gives Men's Rights Activist fedora-jockeys everywhere (no offense, Linkara) something to rally around and use as a theme song for their cause.  None of these things should be happening. At all.

I've been as charitable as I can be toward this song, maybe more than I should have been, but in the end, I can't recommend this song. The world does not, has never, and never will need an MRA anthem.

This song can go friendzone itself.

Until next time, friends, Power off.

(c) 2013 Powertrip Productions. All material used here is protected under Fair Use and are (c) their original creators. No challenge to these copyrights is intended or should be implied.

Jack Analyzes the Lyrics: I Want To Break Free

Greetings, gentle reader, and welcome to Jack Analyzes the Lyrics.

This is where I, your friend and humble narrator (yes, I watched A Clockwork Orange recently. What of it?) take a song that is either popular or legendary and look deeper into it and try to find out what the hell we were thinking.

You see, there are songs that I've noticed which are indelibly imprinted upon our musical consciousness that, if you take a very close look at what the song is actually saying, you start to wonder about the good sense, and even possibly the sanity, of our previous and current musical generations.

And I'm kicking this one off with a gem. Before I start, though, let me gush a bit about Queen.

Queen is one of the groups that played a vital role in my musical evolution. As a singer of some skill (as regular readers of my blog may be quick to disagree with), I sat, and still sit in awe of the depth, power, and emotion behind the voice of Freddie Mercury, even later in life as AIDS began to take its toll. His body may have wasted, but his voice was full of life up to the end.

The Show Must Go On, indeed.

Even ignoring Freddie's voice, Queen's music was legendary in and of itself: awesome instrumentation, killer harmonies, and some of the most amazing lyrics ever put to record.

While we're on the subject, for you fans of "Bohemian Rhapsody", check out "The Prophet's Song", also off of A Night At the Opera. And prepare to be blown the fuck away.

So, if Queen's music is so incredible, why am I picking a Queen song for this little demonstration?

Well...

You know how some songs have, you know, a theme, an idea that they're centered around, usually based on the title? Well... let's just say this song doesn't get an "A" from Moe Dee for sticking to themes.

This is "I Want To Break Free".

This was released as the second single off of their 1984 album The Works, following the release of the single "Radio Ga Ga", which scored well in the UK, but not as much in the States, only reaching a peak of #16.

This single actually ended up doing worse in the US, primarily because of the video, pictured above, which features all four members of Queen in drag.

British people in drag... Might as well get this reference over with:

Anyway, the video is a parody of a popular British sitcom, and was thus well received in the band's home country. Here, not so much - it was banned by MTV and many other stations.

Because, of course, we can't have people seeing grown men, who are responsible for their own lives and decisions, possibly choosing to dress up like women. I mean, think of the children! [/sarcasm]

Anyway, the result, as you might have guessed, was that the song completely tanked in the States, only reaching #45 on the charts, while easily reaching the top spot in the UK.

So, let's start this detailed analysis by looking at the title: "I Want to Break Free". If we take the title literally, we can expect to hear a song about someone wanting to get out something, possibly a bad relationship or something similar, since this is a rock song. Not exactly breaking new ground, but not a bad topic for a hit pop song.

So how well does the carpet match the drapes, as it were? Let's have a look at the first verse to get an idea:

I want to break free.

I want to break free.

I want to break free from your lies.

You're so self-satisfied.

I don't need you.

I've got to break free.

God knows - God knows I want to break free.

Okay, good start. The narrator is describing their partner as a lying, arrogant prick that they no longer need in their lives, and are ready to break out of the relationship.

It's a little light on details - for example, what lies did this person tell, how does their "self-satisfied" nature bleed through and make their relationship bad - but that's what the rest of the song is for, right? The first verse sets up the song, and we look at the rest of the song for the backstory and the follow-up.

I mean, that's how a song goes, right? You get the listener connected with the first verse, and weave your story in through the rest of the song.

So, okay, Queen, let's have it. How bad is this asshole? Tell me what they did that was so bad that you want to break free.

I've fallen in love

...

...

...what?

I've fallen in love for the first time

And this time, I know it's for real.

Stop, stop, stop, STOP! Hold on a moment here!

What the hell, Queen? Seriously: What the slotting hell?!

You open the song by telling us how much of a lying, arrogant douchebag your current partner is, and now you're going on like you just met a girl named Maria?!

Anyone who pays attention to the lyrics just had the transmission fall out of their brain with that segue! And what's more, it doesn't even fit in with the song! The song is supposedly about "breaking free" - that is away from someone - and now the narrator is trying to move toward someone they've supposedly fallen in love with!

Why "supposedly", you may ask? Well, let's have a look at the next two lines: "I've fallen in love for the first time, and this time, I know it's for real."

We'll split this one in half and pick each line apart separately. "I've fallen in love for the first time..."

How do you know?

If you're feeling this "for the first time", how do you know what you're feeling is actually love? For all you know, you could have accidentally swallowed a dime, or have a spastic colon, or be under the effects of a Gypsy curse! You don't know!

"...you don't like it, but you don't know." - Lewis Black

"...and this time, I know it's for real."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just say that this was "the first time"? I mean, I'm sure you've forgotten, since it was about three seconds ago!

So what do you have to compare it to to know that it's "for real" this time? Call me crazy, but I'm still leaning toward that whole "dime swallowing" thing.

Let's carry this analysis a bit further: we can safely assume that the narrator is talking to the same person in the first verse as he/she is talking to in the second. This makes me wonder who the real asshole is. Wasn't the narrator supposedly in love with the person they're now trying to "break free" from? I mean, when they started this relationship, were they only kidding when they told their now-ex that they loved them?

This song is going all over the place. Maybe it'll start to coalesce in the bridge. Let's hope that the narrator can somehow use it to bridge these completely disparate ideas...

It's strange, but it's true (yeah)

I can't get over the way you love me like you do,

But I have to be sure when I walk out that door

Oh, how I want to be free, baby

Oh, how I want to be free

Oh, I want to break free!

Good plan: completely ignore the first two verses. I see the songwriter took the Neverending Story philosophy in writing this song.

So, in this incarnation of the metaphor, the narrator wants what all men stereotypically seem to want: sex with no strings.

"Baby, I know you love me, but this bird's gotta fly!"

...which usually ends up with her either flipping him the bird, or kicking him in the fly.

So, in the span of two verses and a bridge, we have the narrator calling his mate an untrustable liar, to a complete non-sequitur about falling in love, to being a jackoff who doesn't want to commit!

Dude! You like it? Put a fucking ring on it!

Anyway, this song confuses the hell out of me. How can John Deacon, the writer of this clusterfuck, screw up such a simple concept as "I Want to Break Free"?!

But, there may yet be hope. There's one verse left. Come on, John. Salvage this thing using your magical wordplay. I mean, you're a member of Queen! You're part of the band that brought us "We Are the Champions" and "Bohemian Rhapsody"... hell, you wrote "Another One Bites the Dust", "Stone Cold Crazy", and "Under Pressure"! You can do better than this!

Come on, John, you can do this! Take us home!

But life still goes on.

I can't get used to living without

Living without, living without you

By my side.

I don't want to live alone.

DO YOU WANT TO BREAK FREE OR DON'T YOU!?

/sigh, shake my head/ I'm sorry. Please continue...

God knows, got to make it on my own.

So, baby, can't you see?

I've got to break free.

Can't even be consistent in the same verse. Amazing.

But, as bad as all that is, it somehow gets worse: According to Wikipedia - take that for what it's worth - Deacon wrote this song as a "male response to the women's liberal [sic] movement."

So... according to John Deacon's point of view, liberated women are angry, bitter, emotional, promiscuous, moody, desperate women who feel incomplete alone, and who simultaneously crave and reject the company of men.

Yeah. That'll get you laid.

If this is the case, this song sets women's rights back 15-20 years... and this song was written in 1983!

Let's compare this to other insanely written songs of rock. "Take the Money and Run", for example. Steve Miller couldn't pull a rhyme out of a clear plastic bag, but at least the song was consistent! And you may not like Jim Croce's style or singing voice, but at least he could tell a fucking story!

So, there you have it. a verse-by-verse analysis of "I Want to Break Free".

...I think that song broke my brain...

Hey, if you have any songs you want me to listen to, analyze, and mock incessantly, drop me a line at cover2covershow@gmail.com.

Until next time, my little Empire, Power off!

Credits

All Queen Songs (c) EMI Music

Monty Python (c) Python (monty) Pictures, Ltd.

"Maria" from "West Side Story" (c) Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein, Movie Footage (c) United Artists

"I Was Only Kidding" by "Weird Al" Yankovic (c) WAY Moby Records

"Single Ladies" by Beyonce (c) Sony BMG Music

Picture of Kyon from the Haruhi Suzumiya books. Haruhi Suzumiya (c) Tanigawa Nagaru

No challenge to these copyrights is intended nor should be implied. This work is protected by the Fair Use section of US Copyright law.

Artist A-Z #2

Let me make one thing absolutely clear: I am no fanboy.

Yes, there are certain series, musical artists, writers, etc. that I enjoy immensely...

(Disintegration? Sorry, Kyle: Recovery is the greatest album ever.)

...but I don't automatically assume the sun rises and falls on these things. I am free to admit that there are problems with some (sometimes a great deal) of the output related to my favorite book/comic/anime series, artists, etc.

For example: I love Stephen King. His Dark Tower series is one of my favorite books, and his fantasy is just plain amazing.

However, I am not a huge fan of his horror. Misery was gripping and suspenseful, yes, but that was more a thriller than pure horror. And I nearly fell asleep trying to read The Stand. And The Langoliers was lame as hell.

What I'm trying to say is, if there's something wrong with something, even something from someone or something I really like, I'll be the first to point it out.

...which brings us here:

This little number is off of Al's fourth studio album, "Polka Party!", widely dismissed as his worst album.

And I have to agree. There are only four tracks on the CD that are any good, and one of those is the polka medley!

There are ten tracks on "Polka Party!".

You do the math.

I was thinking about skipping the Polka Party tracks on the A-Z list and just do a full Cover2Cover review of Polka Party, but I concluded that I needed to show that, yes, there are bad Weird Al songs, and that I can critique them honestly.

I just wish I didn't have to do this right out of the gate.

The song itself is a parody of the Robert Palmer song "Addicted to Love"

This highlights one of the major problems with the problems with this track - indeed, the same issue exists in all four parodies off of "Polka Party!", but I'll get to that later. For now, let's get right to the review.

There's no good way to say this, so I'll just say it: This song is stupid. And it's not even the good kind of stupid. The funny kind of stupid.

Normally, if you want stupid, Al's your guy. He's made plenty of stupid songs that were actually funny. Hell, just look at any other album in his discography, and you find one or two there that are good, listenable, fun tracks.

This, on the other hand... this one's the bad kind of stupid. The unfunny, lame, embarrassing kind of stupid. This is the kind of song an eight-year-old trying to be Weird Al would write. Hell, this is the kind of song that record executives who think they can write comedy songs would come up with.

But, I repeat myself.

The song is directed toward a guy with a potato fetish, and, in a stunning twist (and by "stunning", I, of course, mean "stunning that I stayed awake this long"), we find out in the end that the narrator happens to be a potatophile too. M Night Shyamalan, eat your heart out!

Now, I personally have no use for potatoes - eating them in any form make me sluggish and sleepy and phlegmy (yeah, you wanted to know that. You're welcome), and IMO have little to no nutritional value whatsoever. But I understand that some people like them and eat them regularly - granted, not to the extremes hinted at in this song, but still...

But as the subject matter for a comedy song, there's not really that much to go on. I mean, how many potato jokes are there? Not a lot, and very few of them actually in the song. It just goes on and on about how much the subject likes potatoes, and the kinds of potatoes he likes, and describes the many ways he gets his potato Jones resolved ("You took a trip to Idaho/Just to watch potatoes grow").

This does not make for a funny song. There's really only two jokes in the song, and even those are a stretch: the first s a pun on the words "potato bug".

("Potato bug/has got me too!")

...and the other one is a groaner about whipped potatoes

("I've often seen them whipped/But they just can't be beat")

Told you.

And, to my utter disappointment: not one eye joke. Potatoes have eyes, people have eyes, there's got to be some kind of joke there! How do I know potatoes have eyes? The beans told me. You know how the beanstalk.

See? I can make lame vegetable jokes too! Where's my recording contract?

Seriously, though, as I hinted at before, there is a specific problem with this, and all the parodies on "Polka Party!", and this is totally my personal opinion based on the evidence at hand.

Up to that point in his career, since his self-titled debut, Al released an album a year, likely to keep himself fresh in the minds of the listening public, since he's lumped in that amorphous group of artists called "novelty acts". This idea can be a double-edged sword, in that in the race to keep yourself relevant, you also may become overexposed, causing fatigue and backlash.

But it wasn't really a backlash that depressed sales and recognition of "Polka Party!"; it's the quality. You see, in that race to remain relevant, with a relatively short time to produce output, you make some poor decisions.

(I'm looking at you, 3 Doors Down)

The choice to make this song was, to me, doomed to fail from the start for two reasons: One, as mentioned, the subject matter doesn't lend itself to very many jokes; and Two, the original song isn't all that lyrically dense to begin with so, even if there were jokes to add, there are very few places to put them. It's like trying to make a DVD case sink to the bottom of the lake by filling it with Styrofoam peanuts.

The song seems to want to make the fact that it's a parody as the joke instead of putting jokes into the parody. And this, as I've stated, a failing of all four parody songs on "Polka Party!", so expect links back to this article in the future.

After the critical and commercial failure of "Polka Party!", Al's next album wasn't released until two years later, and if you thought "Polka Party!" was bad, his follow-up was even worse.

No, that's the name of the album: "Even Worse".

(That was the only chance I was going to get to use that joke, so I took it. Again, you're welcome.)

Okay, that's done, and I'm glad to be away from this one. There's more bad to come, and not just off of "Polka Party!"; there's still enough bad for everyone spread out over the entire discography; "Polka Party!" just happened to get the bulk of it.

Join me next time when we take a first look at one of his original songs. Until then, in the words of a couple of the greatest non-thinkers of the 20th century: "Be excellent to each other!"

Power off!

Next: "Airline Amy"

Artist A-Z #1

Okay, all. I decided it's time to actually post some content, rather than telling you that I may be posting some content sometime in some nebulous future.

One of my original ideas, once I got some traction as a reviewer, was to do a discography series, where I review a single artist's albums from their first to their most recent. I even had a few artists in mind: Green Day, Van Halen, Fiona Apple, and so on.

But I decided that that would be too close to what I plan to do with bad albums (and, no, I haven't abandoned the original C2C idea; I just need to get some momentum going; and Covering the Covers and another originally canned segment, Analyzes the Lyrics, will also come in its own time. Please be patient.). As such, I've decided to do something a little different.

If someone else has already done something like this, fine, but I'm doing this just to get my foot in the internet's door, so to speak, and to sharpen my style and sense of humor so the finished product when I do actually make the move to video will be cleaner and, well, exactly as aweXome as my ego demands it be.

Anyway, rather than cover an artist album by album, I'm going to go from song to song, in alphabetical order, doing a short review of each song in that artist's repertoire.

And the artist I'm going to start in on is...

...

Hey, come back!

Meh, who needs them, anyway?

So, yeah. I've been on a Weird Al kick recently (and by "recently", I mean for the past 15 years). And to celebrate the release of his first studio album in five years (and not that bad a one either), I'm going to start at the A's and go all the way down to the Y's (no Z's in this mix), and review each one, starting with the above.

It should be fairly obvious what song this parodizes - or, rather, flat-out ridicules.

Most of Al's parodies take the title or the lyrics, put a completely different spin on them, and makes a completely different song out of the same tune, while at the same time having little to no connection with the source material.

Not so here.

This is one of a handful of what I term "meta-parodies" in which the subject matter of the song is directly tied to the song it's parodying. Other examples of this are "Smells Like Nirvana" and "Perform This Way", both of which I'll get to later.

The song itself is a list of things the narrator would rather do than listen to "Achy Breaky Heart". Now some of the alternatives don't seem that bad to me: I love the Bee Gees and the Village People, and some of Abba's songs are okay. Just about every other artist on the list, fine. Still better than that overplayed fake country-pop-crossover piece of garbage.

After a while, however, he gets into the weird, self-mutilation territory that has been a part of Al's repertoire, especially in his early days. "Tie me to a chair/and kick me down the stairs", and "I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain." Pretty harsh, yes, but still, arguably, more pleasant than another listening of "Achy Breaky".

This brings up an interesting point that I'd like to mention in passing here: Al seems to have a fascination with things being stuck to, driven into, or smashed against his head and/or face. As we continue further down this list, you will hear many other references to things being done to his face. In fact, I'm going to start a counter:

Things being driven into head and/or face counter: 1

Every time we hit a verse that mentions something happening to his head or face, I'll increment the counter. Let's see how high this thing goes.

There isn't much else to say about this song. It sets out to say ""Achy Breaky Heart" is a terrible song" - and it is - "and I really really don't want to listen to it." And it accomplishes that through the use of parody, which means, in a way, we actually are listening to the song we so rabidly, viciously hate. Oh, cruel, cruel irony.

But then we get to the ending... and it's at that point that the song abandons all pretense that this is anything other than an opportunity to openly mock this song, as well as everyone and everything associated with it. Take a listen...

Kazoo and Mockery sounds by JackPowerX

I mean, sure, the belch sounds and hand/armpit farts in the background during the spaces between lyrics gave it a bit of a sting, but this? This is the equivalent of ending a performance of the original with no applause, and one guy in the back yelling "You suck!"

I hope Billy Ray has a good sense of humor, because I'm pretty sure this was not part of the pitch.

Al: "Hey, Billy"

Billy Ray: "Yeah?"

Al: "Can I do a parody of your song, "Achy Breaky Heart"?"

Billy Ray: "What you gonna do with it?"

Al: "Well, I was thinking about giving a laundry list of songs and things that I'd rather suffer through than listening to it. What do you think?"

Billy Ray: "..."

Al: "..."

Billy Ray: "Throw in some people doing that "Na-na-na-na-na-naaaah" thing, and you got yourself a deal!"

Okay, not a whole lot of material on this first one; the song itself took all the good jokes (and that's a good thing). Hopefully, there'll be more to work with on the next song. What song's up next?

Next up: Addicted to Spuds

...aw, crap...

30 Songs in 30 Days - Day 30

Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

"Okkusenman" (author unknown)

I couldn't stop listening to this song back then. Before my life took an abrupt left at Albuquerque, I played this song to death on my mp3 player, and it was good.

This is the best version, imo: a remix of the original version and one of the many commercial releases done by a female J-pop band whose name I can't seem to locate.

Enjoy.

And, yes, I skipped day 23 on purpose, because I'm not sure it will apply to me.

Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding -

/forever alone/

30 Songs in 30 Days - Day 29

Day 29 – A song from your childhood

"Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley

I have no idea what attracted me to this song when I was younger. Maybe it was the beat, the sweet, sweet synth beat, Don Henley's smooth vocals, I don't know, because I certainly didn't understand the meaning of the lyrics until much later.

The song is a scathing attack on television news transforming from information to entertainment. Those of you who keep at least an ear to network and/or cable news understand, as I do, that even though this song was recorded back in 1982, it still holds true, perhaps even moreso, today.

Although, in one way, this song played a vital role in the slow, inexorable corruption of my mind, because of one word: "Crap". "We all know that crap is king," he says, and I giggled. Boy, did I giggle. I was, like, 6-7 at the time, and that word being in a song just blew my mind.

Now, some 30 years later, I can make a lewd reference to the end of the last paragraph with my eyes closed. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks, Don. In one small way, you helped create a monster.